Don't Argue with Your Mother in Your Dreams

You may think that after learning how to dream lucidly (basically, control your dreams while you are dreaming) you may think that your dreams will go all your own way.

You are thinking wrong.

Case in point -- you cannot win an argument with your mother, even in your dreams. Trust me on this one.

Don't get me wrong -- I love my mother (hi, Mom!) but there are times I'd rather pierce my eardrums with an ice pick rather than argue with her, even if I am clearly in the right.

For example, I had a nightmare the other night where I became lucid. My Mom had taken in two lodgers, who conned her to give our house away to ShopRite. (Now, I have nothing against ShopRite (I don't even shop there) but for some reason ShopRite was pissing off my subconscious that night.) During the dream, after I made the terrible discovery, I suddenly realized that I was dreaming.

I began laughing. Some guy in a black suit and sunglasses tried to shoot me. Somehow I disabled him and got hold of his sub-machine gun. I began shooting everyone because in the dream it made real good sense at the time. Besides, since I knew it was a dream, I knew no one could get hurt. The dream people even played along. They were not flung back from getting "shot" (which only put a small blob of red paint on them) and took their time laying down to mimic being dead.

Subconscious Mom didn't get this. She clutched the side of her head, screaming, "I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BE A HOMICIDAL MANIAC! WHAT WILL EVERYONE SAY ABOUT ME?"

Me: "Mom, seriously, it's okay. It's just a dream. I am not actually shooting anyone."

Mom: "YOU'VE JUST SHOT TEN PEOPLE!"

Shot Guy: "Chill out, lady. We're okay. It's just a dream."

Mom: "WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'VE BEEN SHOT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO YOUR THINKING ABILITIES???"

Me: "Mom, please. It's like a video game held inside my head. It's okay."

Mom: "AND I BET YOU DIDN'T PUT ENOUGH BATTARIES IN YOUR GUN!"

ME: "Batteries?  What are you talking about? Guns don't need batteries ---" And I look and lo and behold I see about ten AA Duracell batteries in my gun. Suddenly, no more bullets come out of the gun. Apparently the batteries controlled the trigger. "Aw, Mom --"

It's a good thing I woke up or my head may have exploded all over my pillow. You can't get the stains out of that.